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(also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. Vegas is a perfectly lovely city where people raise families and everything!! Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. So much wow. Bartending is legitimate work too. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. I know this is way off-topic, but deplane is a horrendous word. If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Ifso, then wewould say that your husband has some personal issues that need toberesolved before hecan fully open and welcome you asapart ofhis family. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Yes, its off the strip, but my room was GIGANTIC. You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Exactly. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Ah, sorry, didnt say they were the only two choices! And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Yes!! One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. What about yourself? He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. Ill wait. The good part is that I was able to figure out why I had that reaction, which (mostly) made it go away. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. What other people? Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. Its tough but definitely not impossible. Right? BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. Menu. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? In fact, were taking separate vacations this year not to Vegas, but we each wanted something completely different, so were going at different times to different parts of the world. (Im in counseling FWIW, he wont go.) Thats a CA classic. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Are we sure that survey actually happened? I had no problem with it. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. So were you on the east or west side of the Hellmouth? Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? However, the husband is being ridiculous. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? Iasked ifI could come. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. But thats true everywhere, and you can easily avoid said trouble by, you know, not doing something stupid. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. It also couldnt be. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). Spouses dont LET. Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. Thanks! Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. If I died while on travel, hed get an insurance payout and be able to live without working for X months; then he could remarry or move or whatnot. OP, go on the trip. You should protect your son! And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. Youre going to DIE!. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. They have PUDDING, OP. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. And thats all the sin city branding is too an advertising campaign to better separate certain demographics of travellers from their money, just like Disneys happiest place on earth branding is an advertising campaign to better separate a different demographic of travellers from their money. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. I absolutely dread this. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). Your level of trust in him. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. But theres no letting about it. Dont even consider that risking your job is a reasonable option here your job isnt the problem. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. He can see how boring Vegas really is. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. I say go for it! So, yeah, count me as baffled by his OMG, VEGAS IS SIN attitude. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Husband doesn't want to go on family vacation Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. And I asked to go but thats out of the question. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Vegas! All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. Honestly, it feels awful. ;). Were in counseling together though, which is one of the reasons hes gotten better. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. I agree with the counseling suggestion. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. How does he handle that? Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. It seems infinitely more likely that what they actually said was yeah man, that sucks, I dont know why she wouldve broken up with you as sympathy and he took it that way, but either way, you dont date by committee! Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. In Amish country. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. Youre an adult, OP! She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. He will tell me if something is wrong as I will. And to his credit, he cut it out. He made her upset the entire trip last time. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. He doesnt have friends. You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth.