To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. You have no idea how ignorant your statement is. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. If you didnt leave before the first kid arrived, you were in for a life sentence. Good luck. After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. Sounds like you had a good long run and shouldnt be complaining. Lowered estrogen can also cause her libido to lag. She even stopped expressing affection such as hand holding, goodbye kisses, etc. Furthermore the AFIB and some remaining heart failure issues make sex not safe to engage in, even if counseling could resolve our relationship issues from the past. Try DHEA. The guy is obviously attracted to you and enjoys your company or why the 30 year dating? Hi, Nice advice. I lived with her for a year after a very contentious divorce from the mother of my children who cheated. If you feel that my wife never initiates physical contact, you may be wondering if your marriage is doomed. I have tried to have a heartfelt conversation but he is not willing to talk about it. Friends and family say theres going to be a decrease in libido, but its been almost a whole year since she has even initiated anything, he added. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. Most stay in the marriage because of kids and the men cheat as they should. No intimacy!!! I need to be held by a mature woman and caressed and brought to orgasm. You need to find a woman who respects you and wants to be intimate with you on a consistent basis. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. My husband and I both have gained weight. I understand all the reasons she doesnt want sex except one, if she actually loves me wouldnt there be some effort? Now when I express frustration, she will occasionally make a half hearted attempt, but rejects me at the last moment which has brought forth some lack of confidence for me and resentment towards her. My wife and I are celebrating 48 years together in January. Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. A study published by the. Frustrated. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. I am sorry I stayed, but life, illness, dementia parents and a son kept me in this sexless marriage. Thrown into menopause way too young. It makes me sad, and we have talked it out and sadly there is just too much sadness and pain in our relationship for this situation to ever be resolved. I am a man who has been married for 48 years and to read The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants suggests a serious mental illness. I think that the advice to seek a trained sex therapist, and the encouragement to increase communication between this man and his wife is appropriate and excellent. I think my wife [67] realises that with my having ED she no longer has any potential competition so isnt obliged to have sex because I wont be strayingand I dont want her to feel obliged,thats as bad as no sex,so the answer, literally, is in my own hands, my husband has done too many drugs and cant get it up its been six years i need sex. I dont masturbate much because I would prefer to be with her. At 78 and after 47 years of marriage I kind of resigned myself to a sexless marriage.My rabbi was married over 55 years and said he had 4 good years sohe was not complaining.He also said over 90 percent of members of the congregation were miserable in their marriages.I guess he and I. Hello Dave, I suppose that his stomach, which is huge, the fact that he cant really get hard, and the fact that sex takes forever are some of the reasons why I no longer want to have sex. When was the last time you went out on a date together? He has performance anxiety. That was the best written, most solid commentary on this subject Ive ever read. I am going to be 42 years old!! But I do like your advice, dont waste time with them and take whatever you can get now. (function() { // REQUIRED CONFIGURATION VARIABLE: EDIT THE SHORTNAME BELOW This was an enlightening comment and reflects what has been my marriage for 35 years. Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. Wife won't touch me sexually | Talk About Marriage I read these comments and feel for all of you, especially the men who I share with of which I have similar experiences. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. Men are very simple to please. Shes been mostly dry since a few years before menopause. I miss the sex, but I miss even more holding her in my arms snuggling with her just touching her maybe copping a feel she sexy. She has become a roommate and a friend, but not a wife that gives me the joy and love we used to have. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. Im just sad and trying to figure things out. The fact that she cant be bothered to take a few minutes in the shower to manually make things right tells you everything you need to know. I am 60, and my husband is 65. That is love. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. I am 62 and my husband is 63. If they need get that only from you, so be it. Stayed for the kids (gone now) and because I dont WANT to be divorced but I am so painfully alone. Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. I hear ya. The marriage is fine except for the sex. That last sentence got my attention. The wife was boring and I had to follow so many rules and regulations when it came to sleeping and sex together. Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Should I let him go elsewhere? If shes got a spouse who is extremely suspicious, shes not going to feel trusted or respected. He is always sitting alone. Since I dont know your wife and I dont know anything about your conversational style or hers, I cant give you the magic words for getting the conversation started. It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. Hes had issues with porn for a long time. 2. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. Weve never had an argument about it, because Im always careful not to sound like Im accusing her. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. Yet she constantly professes love. Now whats so hard about that. Because I am not attractive to her. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. Is your husband on HRT as well? Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. Weve been married for 26 years, she is 51, and she has had maybe 4 years total where she was interested in sex. I would suggest you try these because they will increase your natural produce of testosterone without the side effects you mention. Sex is extremely painful, regardless of whatever I use to try and counteract the problem. Sh. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! Tried Testosterone replacement but it made me very sick and ended up in the emergency room with complications . I fail to see the point of continuing further. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. I told her that men my age generally took longer to orgasm and for sex to be mutually enjoyable, we both needed to have pleasure. Frankly Im tired of people pushing to try Testosterone replacement again. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. Is it me or does it seem like sex therapists and experts are lacking, some seem hedonistic? You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. Meanwhile. You need to be in the counseling with her because if there is no goal to overcome the issue then its just a feel good talk of sympathy and thats not treatment. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. A lot of people are martyrs when it comes to sex. Sweetie, I love you with all my heart and it saddens me that you have no interest in intimacy with me and refuse to explore any potential solutions. If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there's something wrong. Knowing I will never be wanted again in that way by her or any woman corrodes my spirit a little more each day. Research shows that sexual communication was strongly associated with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. Affection (hold hands, rub shoulders, tap butt, arm around shoulder, hugs, kisses, winks, that special look, etc), compliments, please, thank you, inside jokes, cheerleader, cleaning, cooking, repairs, child rearing, activities together, exercise together, etc will go a long way to leading to sex again. 2 weeks later I spoke to her again and ended up asking if she knew what I was suggesting. I am aware of the risks, and am more than willing to live with them, rather than go back to how I was before. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. Emotional connection is the starter and it is counterproductive if her man is resentful or walking around with head down and needy. If it was the husband doing that wives would be screaming How dare You. We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! Im 47 and this happened to me. We have no children. So, maybe you need to think about going back to being friends and not husband and wife? Yeah, maybe not, eh . I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. Then menopause dried it out and the muscles resist and joints spasm, so its painful. love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. I think it is up to me to possibly leave my marriage because my husband is not about to change, discuss any issues, or ultimately have sex. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy, 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse Spice Up YourMarriage, 200 Newlywed Game Questions For That Instant Bonding, 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation, Why Is Marriage Important? She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. Some nice and some angry! Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? A free doctor approved gut health guide featuring shopping lists, recipes, and tips. But unfortunately I do feel that it is my fault I just wish I knew what and that I could make it better. If your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may not be a low libido so much as a poor mom-life balance thats getting in the way of things. In my experience as a marriage counselor, Ive seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. She says she loves me but cant stand to touch me. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. He was gone on the road 80% of the time. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. So its a trope that the man is always the one with the higher desire and the one left frustrated. He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. The phone started beeping and making its different sounds at 630am. No human being should dominate another person. Many claim that its women who become dis- Don't Touch MeI'm Your Wife! | Psychology Today I agree, there is more going on than just someone spending all their time doing other things. Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. Yeah. When a woman notices that you have an affinity for what she loves, she gets curious, thereby increasing her desire for you. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. When we had our kids he was so mad because the babies got attention from me and thought when home they should take back stage. Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally. I have the same problem I love my wife but I need sex. Although she initially helped with my toddlers, she eventually lost interest and helped only occasionally. Ive moved on!!! I wish you the best. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. The first step toward addressing this oft-tricky issue is to understand why your wife is acting distant and avoiding being intimate with you. My wife and I had a beautiful sex life until she started to have complex female problems that resulted in a partial histerectomy and even after the procedure she finds sex very painful. Suggest to her that she will have control of the situation. From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex. Please help. I understand women loss interest but still love there husbands and dont want a divorce and most of the time its the same for the guy, I just wish women would be open to their husbands having discreet affairs, not prostitutes just flings. Even worse, because Im larger than average, she can no longer handle my penis even if she wanted to. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. She told me that women need estrogen their whole lives, not just up to menopause. (she has seen a councelor) and she this has gone on for years and may take years to heal and maybe I will never heal. It's not about love - you love him, no question. He got the pill from the dr, but with his weight and age, I was just too scared for him to try it. But. why is he grumpy? well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. I end up feeling bad about this as I think I should not be obsessing about it as she often says. Help her through this transition andensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through. Moving forward, the endless rejection led me to stop trying to initiate sex, because the repeated rejections is having an effect on my confidence and self esteem. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex. Have you ever considered WHY your wife doesnt want to have sex anymore? Its not an option. only issue. Life is definitely funny. I miss the simple things. Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. In the real world things are very different. Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. We have talked and talked with and without therapist, but its just talk. Read the first sentence again. I have noticed in the last two months that most forms of affection have dissapeared. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. I understand your pov at a level you may not understand (sorry) or appreciate. I wish we were closer because I would love to meet you. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. You're focusing too much on just the sexual aspect of . Wednesday, August 30, 2017 Thank you, Harry. I in the same boat as your husband. . Before I married my second wife, Vicky told me she made a terrible mistake, still loves me and wanted back. Im in my 50s and after years without feeling that hardness inside me anymore, I often find myself thinking about the next 30 years without. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. I enjoy sex, but I am often fatigued and have low energy. Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. You know what I dont need to know the answer. Then it was more of a hurry it up thing. Needless to say, both of us are feeling a renewed awareness of who we were and now are. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. I love you, but I am not happy this way. Flirting in public! Tell her how much I love her. Now when it comes to my receiving oral sex to orgasm? Yeah. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. I miss the simple things. Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. This is hard, because of my upbringing and the fact she is a wonderful person in every other way. (That is very thoughtful, I do all those things because my wife is Special and I want her to be happy) I have always shared the housework and dont mean picking up my clothes yes I am defensive because women dont believe med do housework. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. I cant make the same wages I did before my illness, but added to my retirement money, it can get close. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Join us online to gain access to exclusive benefits and opportunities only for Senior Planet Supporters! If you must you could think castration out of love. I promised her I wouldnt embarrass her or shame her in front of family, friends, or church with an affair. A year or two is nothing. But did you notice that men have to make the first move? If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! So as partners age, sometimes we have to stop asking for what is too painful for them to give. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. . You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. My husband and I are working on these issues now, and it takes some serious ,painful discussion. Husbands (and I was one) are men who figured out too late that they are being played for fools. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. This really sucks. I asked her how long will this take for you to get over this panic stuff. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer in older men and when the prostate is removed during surgery it makes a man totally impotent no erection, no ejaculation, no orgasm plus total incontinence which means the post cancer patient needs to wear Depends diapers for the rest of his life. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! Sex is over. Richard C He (so far) said no. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. I so badly need a woman * PLATFORM OR CMS. Related Reading: How Do You Deal With A Quarrelsome Wife? I get tired of waking up because I realize Im having an erotic dream and humping the bed. Then, I got a highly aggressive, estrogen- fired breast cancer. State your case to your partners. Just has zero desire. I am fairly attractive and I. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. Lifes too damn short for no pleasure. */ Sadly so, leave! Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. You cannot force desire no matter what you do or if it is the other partner, same thing. She says that its up to me to deal with it however I choose. According to my research MOST sexless couple dont divorce. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. 7. Wow!!! Loved sexI mean with exuberance and joy. If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. You take care of you! An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive. I am now dating a man in his 60s, I also am in my 60s and he cant get erection so he shut down any sexual contact and I am dieing for a sexual relationship. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. The best thing to do when y our partner doesn't want to be intimate is to ask them about it, point blank. I get angry, then sad and depressed. At 73, my 69 year old wife fits the descriptions you have provided to a T. Just replace you, the wife, with me, the husband. she says when she and I are close she gets panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. The vast majority are trained to be misandrists and far too many are grotesquely unethical. I miss the sex, but I miss even more holding her in my arms snuggling with her just touching her maybe copping a feel she sexy. Our marriage was sexless because I couldnt perform so we started seeing various kinds of Therapists but after 5 years we had no luck. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? Look, I am an RN and living with a man who is 5 years older than me. If men put in as much energy they put in sneaking around spending money on hookers and put all of his energy on his wife by taking 50% of the household chores and helping his wife out with the kids and having him spice up their sex lives you will see more action in the bedroom then before as long as you are sweet and loving towards her you will always get lucky. Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? Still in love with Vicky. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you: Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. Sorry Mate. Take time to learn about the secrets of sex all women wish men knew, learn your way around her body and plan a special evening together. It will make you horny as hell, however. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. All I can say that my sexual desire was immediately and irreversibly shut off like a light switch. My other half sees it as rejection and makes angry threats. Very true! Even to the point that when she gets sexually turned on it still causes her pain. My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. Were just a hole for your pole . She is BI/Sexual she said & needs a women or two..So that leads me to find some one else or join in that the only way i get some sex from herSo Monica & Pamela Start looking for some Bi/sexual or Gay Women.Their only an Orgasm a way!!! Im really suffering. Please, do us all a favor and retire from the one thing you SHOULD be retiring from-giving advice. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. I have to listen to her telling me I am fat etc. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. Why would he ever have too? There are books that can help guide you. I domt have to put up with that. In the room. Start by losing the weight, shaving the body, washing daily, put some effort into youre own self and for Christs sake, clean up after yourself. Want to continue the conversation? This seems to be the one thing that cannot change (no medical conditions preventing sex). What to Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want You Sexually - Marriage Hmmm. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. Im guessing because you are complaining that your 59 year old husband is fat, lazy, snores and is demanding is the reason you dont have sex anymore? Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. Yes! We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. i feel for you my spouse stopped being interested in sex 20 years ago at my age 51,for many years we had some extrem arguments and are still having them,,, to no avail what do you do.